


I Could Have Saved Her

by KellinJoJo



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, Sad Connor (Detroit: Become Human)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-13
Updated: 2019-01-13
Packaged: 2019-10-09 17:04:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17410814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KellinJoJo/pseuds/KellinJoJo
Summary: Now that Connor has deviated he has to deal with a lot of emotions that link to his past actions. He spends his nights thinking about the people he's hurt and what would have happened had he just...felt. Since he can feel more now he has incredible guilt, but mainly about that night he went to the Eden Club. The two Tracies and what would have happened had he felt and not pulled the trigger.





	I Could Have Saved Her

**Author's Note:**

> This is basically me writing about how I felt bad for killing the Traci...I shot her and felt terrible, so yay angsty Connor! Anyways this is my first DBH work, so hopefully I do them all justice. I hope you all enjoy!

You hadn’t been awake. Sleep had sunken into your bones by midnight and you had been sleeping very well, but the harsh ring of your phone had halted your slumber. After peeling your eyes open and looking over at the device you groaned. The clock on your nightstand read 3 AM...which made you want to punch whoever was on the other end. Once the ringing stopped you smiled and rolled back over; however, your sleep was interrupted again. With a frustrated noise you sat up with a vengeance. Snatching the device off the table, you answered without looking at the name, “What?” The tone you used wasn’t the nicest but in your defense you had been woken up at an ungodly hour. 

The voice on the other end is what made you soft. Connor. He took a breath which you knew he didn’t need before speaking, “I..I am sorry to have woken you, but I am dealing with something very troubling at the moment. Would you perhaps let me in?” When he asked you to let him in your brows furrowed. Let him in? Was he here? So without saying a word you hung up the phone and then stepped out of your bed. The tile floor was cold against your feet. After uncovering yourself the cool air nipped your skin making goosebumps scatter over it. With groggy eyes you navigated to the door, unlocked it and then saw the face your boyfriend. 

You smiled upon seeing him but it soon melted away when you saw the troubled expression that was on his face. Gently you extended a hand and pulled him into the apartment, “Come in....why don’t you sit down on the couch and then we can talk?” 

He processed your words for a moment before shaking his head, “You are cold. Let us occupy your room so then once we finish our conversation you can go back to sleep.” 

Connor didn’t really leave room for opposition so with a soft nod your hand was back on him. It laced with his fingers to lead him back towards your room. The expression he wore was concerning. You had worked with him and Hank, but he had never worn an expression like this one. Sure now was different though. He was deviant and had started feeling. The walk was silent and the sounds of Connor’s boots on the tile was deafening. This was new to you. Your relationship was always usually light. Smiles and laughter. Soft touches and equally as soft looks. Currently Connor was straight faced, had furrowed brows, and what looked like wet eyes. Surely that was just some sort of glare of light. 

The moment the two of you arrived in your room Connor removed his boots and jacket. You walked over to him and started to undo the tie around his neck, “What’s wrong Connor?” He was quiet as your fingers worked the knot in the tie and removed it. It seemed as if he was processing his response. 

“I think I am feeling what you would call remorse. Remorse feels worse than guilt, so I have concluded that I am currently feeling remorse.”

After he spoke you moved the two of you to bed. Once you were back in the warmth of your bed you nodded, “Well...what do you feel bad about? Surely you aren’t just feeling remorseful out of the blue so what’s wrong?” He blinks a couple of times before turning on his back to stare at the ceiling. 

“Before I was a deviant there was a case the Lieutenant and I were working on. There had been a homicide at the Eden Club. A man had been suffocated by a traci. The one that was in the room had been killed by the man so we had to reboot her to understand what happened. We found out there had been two in the room with the man. We spent the better of ten minutes probing memories of the ones in displays. Once we got into some sort of basement area we thought we had lost her. Upon further investigation of the room we saw that the suspect had been hiding in there the whole time. A brown-haired traci rushed at me and all of those details are not important to my current feelings. After a good amount of hand to hand with them...I had to decide whether to shoot or spare the brown-haired one. I hesitated. I couldn’t decide what to do. I was afraid that if I did not kill her then she would kill me or I would upset Amanda and get replaced. It was a mere moment of hesitation and I pulled the trigger. I killed her...the other one was very upset about my actions. She told us what we needed to know and then she killed herself.” 

Once again the silence hung in the air. You were at a loss for words. Of course you knew all of this because Hank told you about the case, but you had never asked Connor about the case. Back them you just assumed he didn’t really care. It was evident that something was working inside him even then. You sat up in the bed and looked over at him. A hand gently reached over to wipe one of the artificial tears that slid down the side of his face. His eyes cut over to you, “I could have saved her.” 

In his mind he saw everything as him being able to save her had he just listened to himself. He knew he should have spared her, but the thought of dying was too evident in the back of his mind. Connor didn’t want to die. Sure in this exact moment he was not the original RK800 that was sent on his first day. Though now with his deviation he is Connor. He is the Connor the first never was. 

Now that he openly, and freely, felt his newfound emotions...he thought about these different cases a lot. He thought about the Tracies, the android with the little girl, and even that Rupert character he didn’t catch...sometimes he thought about Chloe. Well one of the Chloes...the one Kamski had asked him to kill. The one he looked at and saw life in. Sometimes he felt too much. Sometimes he wished he could be the original Connor again. Unfeeling and hellbent on completing his missions. Now he was...a person. Someone with feelings. You knew that he had a lot of feelings now. You also knew he had a hard time dealing with these feelings sometimes. Since he was never meant to feel these things it got hard for him. It was hard for him to just openly talk about certain things or do certain things. It took him a long time before he would kiss you. He never knew how to initiate. 

Now here he was dealing with this feeling of remorse. Something that no one can prepare for...not even a human. If humans had a hard time dealing with this then there was no telling how Connor was feeling internally. As you thought for a moment you decided to tell one of your own stories. Maybe it would help him to feel less alone in his feelings. h

“When I first started with the DPD I was a rookie and my reaction time was too fast. I was jumpy I guess you could say...and I was with my mentor at the time and we were in a pretty bad situation. It was a drug house. They made red ice and when we got there the house had been cleared of all it’s residents. We did a lot of searching and all of that before I found a locked door. I kicked the door in and there was a boy in there. He was no older than 17 if I had to guess. He was clearly high and very scared. They left him there,” you paused for a moment and cleared your throat before resuming. 

“He was jittery and I was nervous. My partner was somewhere else in the house and if this guy attacked me I could’ve been killed. So he started to walk towards me with his hands up to let me know he didn’t have a gun in his hands. I watched him like a hawk and then he made one wrong move. In my mind it registered as him going to make a move, but in reality he wasn’t. I got trigger happy and sent a bullet through his skull. I graduated with impeccable marksmanship in my class. They wanted me to be a special ops snipper, but I refused because I wanted to be in the now...anyways, I killed an innocent boy. Was he on drugs? Yea. Was that his fault? Not at all. It was the environment he knew.”

Connor had listened to you the whole time. He took in your words and once you finished sat up to look at you. You reached over to grab his hand and then let your other hand cup his cheek, “Connor we can’t save everyone...there are going to be times where you think about the what if’s, but we have to move on. You can’t save everyone and that’s okay. No one is mad or blames you for what you did. I don’t.” 

He nodded and without much thought leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to your forehead, “Thank you...but it is nearing 4 AM. You should go back to sleep. I will stay with you and then we can go to work together. Is that fine with you?” He tilted his head to the side in the way he always does. A smile finally tugged on your lips and you nodded. 

Just by looking into his eyes you could tell that he was feeling better. His eyes were softened and the wrinkle between his brows had dissipated. Your thumb smoothed over his cheekbone as you looked at him. He was so soft. His personality and all...he was good. With a gentle smile you leaned forward to press your lips together. The kiss was very smooth and gentle. Just a soft sign of affection before you pulled away. Finally he had a smile of his own on his lips. Albeit a small one...but a smile nonetheless. It made your chest warm. 

“Of course that’s fine with me. I wouldn’t want it any other way. Now onto the really important question… big spoon or little spoon?” You asked with a small smirk knowing his answer. 

“I still do not understand why the position is referred to with cutlery terms...but in this moment I would like to be the ‘little spoon’,” he hummed with a wider smile. After giving him a nod you motioned for him to lay down. As he laid down you noticed his movements were more fluid. He did it with ease and like it was natural for him. Sure Hank had given him a room at his house, but you all knew he didn’t need to sleep. The room was hardly lived in. Usually Connor would just go into rest mode on the couch. However, now as you watched him you could tell he was coming to terms with being more human. He had even started breathing daily. You laid down behind him allowing your arm to settle on his waist. 

Connor usually was the big spoon if he stayed with you. The only times he ever wasn’t was when he felt bad or the two of you slept facing each other. This was one of those times he wanted to be comforted, so that’s exactly what you did. You nuzzled into the space between his shoulder blades and allowed yourself to rest there for a moment. The steady movements of his breathing made you relax until finally you were able to fall asleep. 

The moment you fell asleep he could tell. He laced his fingers with yours before going into rest mode. He set himself to wake up at 9 am so the two of you could get to work. Before going into rest mode he lowered his head to kiss the back of your hand and smoothed his thumb over your knuckles. It was a small gesture, but one you loved. With a final smile he closed his eyes and settled in, loving the feeling of your warmth seeping into his clothes.


End file.
